Title:
Expecting Change
Publisher: Pocket Books
Summary: N/A
Buy
This Book!
Grandparents Q&A
By Brad Sachs and Ellen Sue Stern
May, 2000
Bossy Grandma
Q: My mother takes care of my six-month-old daughter
three times a week while I’m at work. I appreciate her babysitting;
it’s a huge financial help, and I feel secure leaving the
baby in her hands. The problem is that my mother interferes constantly,
telling me how I should raise my child. She criticizes the way
I hold her, burp her, and even change her diaper. I want my mother
to continue to babysit, but I don’t want her taking over
and telling me what to do.
A: You will have to take the lead in turning
your situation around. First, sit down with your mother, and bring
up the topic. Begin by acknowledging how much you appreciate her
help and how much you want her in your daughter’s life.
You might thank her, not only for her physical care but also for
the ways in which you are learning from her experience. You might
choose one or two examples of things she’s taught you that
have made a difference in your mothering. Next, take a deep breath,
and tell her how you feel when she tells you what to do. Be sure
not to blame. Instead let her know that being a mother is new
territory for you and that you need to develop you own style,
even if you stumble along the way.
Be concrete and specific, offering alternative ways for her to
approach you with her suggestions. For example, you might say,
"If you see me doing something that worries you, if would
help for you to say something like ‘Have you considered
trying this?’ rather than ‘Don’t do it that
way!’ Do it this way!’" Also be sure to ask your
mother to share the ways in which she is proud of your mothering;
this will help you to become more open to her feedback.
If you seriously doubt your mother’s suggestions because
they seem outdated, be receptive anyway. Try them, and decide
whether perhaps at least part of a technique is useful. Parenting
is less about what’s right and wrong and more about what
works well for you and your baby. If after trying your mother’s
advice you still believe that your way is better, tell her firmly
but kindly that you appreciate her input but that you have another
way that seems to work better for you.
Both of you may have to compromise; your mother may need to back
off a bit, while you may need to let go and allow her to take
charge a little, without taking it personally.
If you don’t seem to be able to reach a peaceful compromise
after sitting down with your mother and honestly talking with
her, it may be healthier for you to sacrifice her childcare assistance.
In all likelihood, though, this is a dilemma well worth trying
to work out. With some effort this intergenerational experience
can make a deep and lasting difference in your, your mother’s,
and your daughter’s lives.
Q: Our first child is due next month. I want
my mother to be very involved with the baby. But my husband can’t
stand my mother and doesn’t want her around. How do I get
everyone to get along so that we can be one big happy family once
the baby is born?
A: Now is a great time to work on healing family
rifts. If you succeed, great; if not, don’t let it discourage
you. You can be sensitive to your husband by letting him know
ahead of time when your mother will be spending time with the
baby. Keeping her visits short and inviting other family members
or close friends to visit at the same time are also good ways
to keep friction to a minimum.
While your husband’s feelings count, don’t let him
dictate whether or when you can spend time with your mother. You
deserve her involvement and support; your child deserves a grandmother’s
love.
Your acting as arbitrator may yield rewards, but only if both
your mother and your husband sincerely want to make up. If you’re
willing to try, approach each one individually. Let each one know
how much you want them to get along. Tell your mother how important
it is to you that she be a part of your child’s life.
Likewise, approach you husband, letting him know that he’s
the most important playing in your pregnancy. At the same time,
be sure he understands that you want your mother, too, to share
in your joy. Acknowledge his feelings toward your mother, and
try to help him clarify what’s he’d need in order
to make peace. If both agree to a conversation, let them talk,
and try to be as neutral as possible.
This situation may work itself out in the long run, with or without
your help. Through their mutual love for your child, your husband
and your mother may naturally find their common ground and come
to a truce.
Buy
This Book!
